What is it with sports?

 THE MODERN ADDICTION TO SPORTS AND WINNING.

My home town soccer/football team lost again yesterday.  It's not an unusual outcome on a Saturday especially as they are going through a period of augmentation after a pretty shitty fall from grace.  Being a long term fan of many losing or "nearly there" teams I have kind of settled down and embraced the whole losing process.  Sometimes you lose because the other team was outstanding, sometimes you lose because of bad luck/preparation, and sometimes you lose because your team is complete shit.  However the same outcomes can be applied to winning as well.  Take a look at the NY Jets this year, they were dismal but this could have been easily foreseen pre season, the roster was a crapshoot mixed with a couple of good players and a couple of terrible players.  The team didn't help themselves starting the season with a 2-1win record recording massive win against one of its league rivals and a second win over another. The rest of the season was like being forced to watch the Twilight Saga every Sunday for the next 14 weeks.

What really gets me giggling though is these keyboard warrior, fifa generation, and spoilt children/adults to take to the team’s message board to rant and rave.  The good old boro website Fly Me To The Moon www.fmttm.com is always a good giggle post match.  Within seconds there are messages filling up the board, anger fuelled stumped remains of what were once fingers beat their keyboards like a partner of Rihanna.

"What a bag of effing turd, time to go Mogga" reads one.  "Game over ffs (for f*(ks sake) reads another.  The more linguistical type "Abject and humiliating performance.".  Now in truth part of me agrees with them, but growing up enjoying various types of sport I have come to realise that losing, losing bad, and seasons you just have to give up on are all just part of the game.  It seems however in this day and age, there are a hell of a lot of fans who seem to think losing is "not an option", someone has to take the blame for every loss or every mistake, where the hell did this come from?  It may seem like I am ranting myself here but I really am not.  I am not happy with the Jets, the Boro, the NY Rangers, Michael Bisping or that woman who puts too much milk in my coffee, but I realised long ago that I have absolutely zero control over it.....  Apart from the coffee thing but she is hot and it’s the closest place to where I work.  You have to embrace everything in sport, the good and bad.  If a result leaves you wanting to put a fist through a wall you really need to step away from the arena of sports.  Whatever happened to losing graciously?

I am simply trying to point out that I support all my teams to the fullest, if my team made me angry too much that all I could do is rant.  I would step away from that sport for a couple of months.

Being angry does not make you "a real fan".  In actual fact I have a friend who has been watching the Boro play since 1967, I have only known him 15 years, but I have only seen him get angry once at a match and that was two days afterwards when he was reading an interview with one of the players and he didn't believe their excuse for playing so badly.

The other day I noticed that my shampoo bottle claims that its contents were “not tested on animals.”

This should make me feel good, I suppose, but as usual I thought too hard about what that statement meant exactly, and ended up irritated, confused and with wrinkly fingers.

I think the controversy about animal testing arises from a misunderstanding of the word ‘testing.’ To me, ‘testing’ something means using something in the manner it was intended to be used, to see if you get the desired result. So to test shampoo on a monkey, you would first shampoo the monkey’s hair, then rinse the monkey, and finally smell the monkey to see if the monkey still smells like a monkey. If, rather than smelling like a combination of monkey sweat and poo, the monkey now smells like a combination of strawberries and mango, then........ success! Otherwise, it’s "back to the lab again, yo!"

I also think that the animal rights activists haven’t thought through the ramifications of not testing products on animals. If we can’t use human shampoo on monkeys, then what are we supposed to use to clean our monkeys? Monkey shampoo, right? Well who do you think they test monkey shampoo on, genius?

I suppose it would be fair to test human shampoo on monkeys if we also tested monkey shampoo on humans, but that seems kind of arbitrary. If we’re going to start randomly testing our hygiene products on the wrong species, then I don’t see why the higher primates have to take the brunt of it. Maybe each species should be allowed to pick another species to stand in for it during testing. So humans could pick monkeys, monkeys could pick dogs, dogs could pick cats… all the way down to the animals that don’t know any better, like the dung beetle and people who watch X-Factor.

I suppose we could try testing on aliens, that would only be fair after all the anal probing that they’ve done to us. In fact, I suspect that all that anal probing you keep hearing about is the result of testing by alien product manufacturers.

Alien #1: Hey Dave, I’ve got a hot stock tip for you.
Alien #2: Really? Tell me more.
Alien #1: XYZ Company is about to really take off. They’ve got a new anal probe out that’s supposed to just dominate the competition.
Alien #2: Wow. I’ve heard that anal probing is the future. Have they gotten approval from the Galactic Product Commission yet?
Alien #1: Not yet. They’re still in human trials, but I heard from an inside source that the results are very promising.
Alien #2: I don’t know, it sounds pretty risky.
Alien #1: Hey, anal probing is always a risky business, but it will be worth it if this thing shoots up like I expect it to. What do you say, are you in?
Alien #2: What the hell. There’s nothing like getting in on the ground floor!

But I suspect that space aliens are hard to find, and the ones I’ve seen don’t seem to have much hair. They’ve got big eyes, so you could do the eye drop thing, but then what? And of course there’s always the risk of retaliation resulting in planetary annihilation, which is a big price to pay for lustrous curls and glistening. So that leaves us with humans.

Now I’m not necessarily opposed to testing shampoo on humans, but it doesn’t seem like an improvement over animal testing unless (1) The data is more useful because the testing subjects are more similar to the intended users of the product, and (2) I get to pick the humans.

I would start with the peasants down at the bus station, and move onto any white men making gang signals in their photographs on facebook. And for the latter group, I’d require the eye-smearing test on principle.

Of course, technically humans are animals. There is, in fact, only one thing that separates us from the animals: the ability to sue other humans. The fact that humans can sue if something goes horribly wrong makes them very expensive test subjects, so product manufacturers have a pretty big incentive not to waste them. I mean, monkeys probably aren’t cheap either, but I bet you’d have to kill a good seventy-five monkeys to do the same amount of damage to the company’s bottom line as giving cancer to a single X-Factor-watching human. It’s not fair, I know, but that’s the kind of screwed up culture we live in.

At least these animals are getting food and shelter from the scientists, which is more than I got for buying my inadequately tested shampoo. I actually had to pay them £2.95 for the privilege of finding out whether their product gave me some kind of horrible rash. If you think about it, it’s the humans that are getting fucked here.

I say that if manufacturers aren’t going to bother to go through the due diligence of animal testing, they should be required to pay the first couple hundred humans who try their product. Besides helping to ensure that our shampoos are properly tested before being sold in stores, this system would also open up employment opportunities to individuals who might otherwise not be able to find jobs. I’m speaking, of course, of the chronically dirty.

Just imagine what would happen if a shampoo manufacturer sent a bus through the seedy parts of town offering free shampooing to all of the homeless people, in exchange for a warm meal, a bed for the night, and signing a release form waiving them of any liability. Best case scenario, you’d have a lot of clean, well-rested homeless people who smell like strawberries and wildflowers. And even if things go horribly wrong and they all die of cancer, at least you’d have fewer homeless people.

More importantly, no animals would get hurt. And that, friends, is what XYZ Company cares most about. That and making it big in anal probing.

The Secret To Keeping A Woman Happy

Some people view me as a real ladies man, I don’t know where this belief came from but I’m prepared to share some of my wisdom.  The secrets are laid out in this ten point plan.
Stick with these and she will love you forever.

1. When she asks how she looks, shrug and say "could do better" this will keep her on her toes, girls love that.

2. Never hold her hand! This can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. If she grabs your hand squeeze hers really hard until she cries. this will impress her by showing her what a strong man you are.

3. Once a month sneak up on her from behind and knock her over, girls are like dogs they love to be roughed up.

4. Call her in the middle of the night to ask if she's sleeping, if she is, say "you better be”, repeat this 4 or 5 times until morning.  This will show her you care.

5. When she is upset about something, suggest to her that it might be her fault, this will pave the way for her own personal improvement, and let’s face it every girl needs some improvement.

6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most, when she's sleeping steal all her small things and break them because jewellery is for little girls and Asian ladies.

7. If you're talking to another girl make sure she’s looking, when she is, stare into her eyes mouth the words “Fuck You” and grab the other girls ass. Girls love competition.

8. Take her to a party. When you get there shell have to go to the bathroom (they always do). Leave immediately. Come back right when the party's finishing and shout at her the whole way home for leaving you at the party. This will show her that you enjoy her company.

9. Introduce her to your friends as "some girl".  Women love those special nicknames.

10. Tell her you're taking her out to dinner. Drive for miles so she thinks it's going to be really special then take her to a McDonald’s, when she starts to get upset tell her you were just kidding and now you're really going to take her to dinner. Take her to a drive through KFC.  When she starts crying and asks “why you would do something like that?” lean over and whisper very quietly into her ear "…because I can".

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? 

 

What's with the body clock?  I seem to have this body clock that has decided to be a consummate asshole towards me.   Everyone else around me seems to be able to control theirs very easily, mine slips easily into an ever decreasing circle.  My normal body clock is 2am until 10am garnering me roughly 8 hours.  However I had a night at the weekend where i didnt sleep until around 7am, then I had to take a train to Barcelona at 12, and i didnt get back until 12.  I decided that if i went straight to bed i would wake up around 8am and get myself into a more sensible habbit of sleeping.  My scumbag body however had diffrent plans and slept me all the way through untill 2pm.  Which ment to following night i didnt sleep untill 4am, which in turn pushed me to 3pm the next day.....  On the other hand, my flat mates seem to be able to hop into bed at 12am and sleep every night,   Motherfuckers! Ridiculous!  I need a young priest and an old priest.

Inadvertent Erections

I recently found out that an inadvertent erection caused by another man is called a 'Broner'

1.	Broner
	An unintentionally manly inspired boner Now this got me thinking about other un intentional erections.  Most women and some men believe all erections are a sexual reaction to an event however, most men know that we have pseudo sexual reactions to all manner of situations. An example is what I lovingly like to call the "Pee Boner".  A desperate need to pee but no option to go causes us to grow a "stiffy" in order to quash the body's ability to flow. But I'm now questioning the name of what I can only call "The Bus Boner". This arises as you sit on a bus, specifically in the seat that is located over the engine and wheels at the back end of the bus.  The gentle hum and vibration of the engine inspires an unintentional erection which can cause embarrassment as you try to disembark the said transport.  Especially when you are wearing tracksuit bottoms, which displays your manhood in its full magnificence and causes deep offence to the other passengers as it taps them on the face as you squeeze past.   What would be the name for this inadvertent erection??

Do you like Huey Lewis and the News?

A NEW BLOG YOU SAY

 

I know what you're saying, "This fucker cant even keep up his other blog" and you know what?  You are totally right!  Winter here is pretty harsh and i have not had mmany adventures however, summer is just around the corner so experiences will be explained soon.

"Why start another blog?" you might ask.   See what it is, is that I have some unknown form of dementia, this in turn makes me blert out things that are sparking in my brain.  Left untreated and unexpressed it can lead to severe surreal situations playing out inside this noggin of mine. 
I really feel i needed a home to express these thoughts.  I'm not sure I even care if its read,  It's more about getting "stuff" down and looking back over it.  Weather it be a whisky induced rant, or a baffling lack of understanding as to why a dog licks its testicles, I feel like I want to write it down here rather than have that look of horror from the old woman why just came out to buy some bread looking at me with total bewilderment. 

So here we are.....  If you feel like you have the keys to any of my questions feel free to comment and follow this blog.